Every Bunny Loves Derby!

I once saw a sign in the window of someone’s Camaro, NEED HELP CALL POLICE. It was one of those sun blockers you put on your windshield on hot summer days. For years I thought about that sign. Like, what a weird thing to put on your car. I assumed it meant; if you need help- you should call the police. It was this odd friendly advice sign slash sun blocker thing. It wasn’t until I watched that movie “Alive” where the Brazilian rugby team gets stranded in the mountains and they start eating each other. Then I realized, they should have had one of those signs.

My point is, without good communication we would all be cannibals. It’s science. So, let’s talk. Let’s be friends. And let’s be frank. Just the other day, I found myself screaming “USE YOUR VAGINA!!!” and realized…this is not the most effective communiqué. So what is? LOL

There's a lot to cover when it comes to communication so here are some highlights:

Just do it.

The first thing to remember about communicating on the track is this; Actions speak louder than words. Saying something is no replacement for doing some work. If you miss a jammer call it out while you reposition yourself to block her again. If you get fenced in yell, “I NEED HELP!” while juking and hitting your way out. Don’t yell and wait for someone else to do work- do work yourself. Remember that you are accountable for this jam, this pass, this moment.

Touch me.

When we’re on the track (ok, and at the after party) I want you to touch me. Coming up on the inside? Touch my left hip and let me know you got that line. You see the jammer on my outside? Give me a little nudge in her general direction. Am I running away from you? Grab my jersey- get your wall together. When you’re on the track- think of your teammates as an extension of your body. Check in with them and let them check in with you. All. The. Fucking. Time.

Point.

Give away the opposing jammer’s position with one point of your finger. Point to a gaping hole in your defense and get some help to fill it. This is easy and effective, and I promise the opposing jammer will pretty much hate you for it.

Have a plan.

Size up the competition and get a plan in place while you have 5 or 30 seconds. Now’s the time to use all your new found awareness to the good. Who’s in the box? How does that change the plan? What’s the jammer like? What are you going to do about it? A good Pivot will base her/his plans on the abilities of their pack. You think you can go one on one with that jammer? Speak up. Are you the least experienced? Ask for the inside line, and protect that shit. Do you have 3 minors? Maybe you’re not the one for this power jam. Use that huge brain to beat your opponent before you ever take the track. In fact, use all five of the brains you got.

Be flexible.

Things change and so do you. You had a pack practically stopped when you see the opposing jammer stand in the penalty box. You have ten seconds to get to the front with all your friends and run away from the point maker. While you’re moving to the front you should be shouting, pointing, and pulling at your teammates. We’ve talked about switching from defense to offense in 5 seconds, be prepared to change your strategy that fast if it’s not working. Communication is key in these situations. You need to get everyone on the same page- and now.

Speak up.

We’re not making full sentences. We’re not contemplating the way of the buffalo. Use your outside voice and say it all with a few words. “TO THE FRONT!” “Fall BACK!” “Run!” “Slow!” “Outside/Inside” “No Jammer!” “GET HERRRRR!” “NEED HELP!” By the time you get a complete sentence past your mouth guard, the moment is over.

Say my name.

Say my name and you’ve got my attention- even if I’m not looking at you. So don’t just stand there alone in the back of the pack, say it- “BUNNIE- I NEED AN ADULT!!” and I’ll be there in a flash. Never be afraid to ask for help, we’re always better together. You alone blocking someone with fancy feet? Call a friend to help fence them in. Never be afraid to ask for help, but remember roller girls help those who help they selves.

Shhhhh,

Be a secret squirrel sometimes; everything doesn’t need to be broadcast. Did you spot a goat that needs to be caught? Tap a teammate and give a little nod in the unsuspecting goat’s general direction. Whisper to your jammer before the jam starts, “I’m your offense, follow me.”

It’s a two way Track.

As much as you talk, you should listen. Your own jammer has something to say and she’s not trying to waste her breath if it isn’t important so listen to her when she’s coming up on the pack. Listen for your Pivot- remember the plan can change ten times in one jam and you have to be ready to make an adjustment.

Shenanigans

You got something against shenanigans? How about the time I told your jammer to call it off …and she did. Yeah, totally useless. Take the opposing teams mind and fuck it. Tell them it’s your first bout. You just lost a contact, your vagina hurts. “I can’t feel my feet…Can you feel my feet?” Tell them their jammer went to the box, you love red box, you’re allergic to socks. “Yeah man, I got a rash.” Tell them there’s no pack, you smoke three packs a day, their skates are untied. “This jam is no contact, right?” And while they are thinking about the dumb shit you just said, take action.

How do Bunnie?

Keep constant dialogues spinning in your mind. Remember that awarebearness checklist? Run through that. Get comfortable calling the next play in your head. Start to say it under your breath. Soon there will be a time when your adrenaline is pumping and you realize that voice calling out orders is ::gasp:: YOUR VOICE.

Remember when we talked about knowing what’s up at all times? Now that you are an awarebear- it’s time to clock in. No thinking about jelly beans and unicorns, you are personally responsible for staying alert- and letting your team know it. When you communicate effectively with your teammates you’re nurturing those bonds between you and building your tight knit bee hive. All. The. Fucking. Time.

If there is one lesson you can learn that will improve your play overnight it’s this one. It takes lots of practice but if you get this- everything else will come. It’s simple but it’s not easy.

Take your eyes, and point them …BEHIND YOU! You’ve heard it before, so why aren’t you doing it? Maybe you think you do look behind you…and you do…sometimes. But since you only practice a quick glance to the back of the pack randomly during a drill or jam, that’s just what you do on bout day. If you’re serious about stepping up your game don’t wait until there’s a jammer on your ass to look behind you. If you want to be a better communicator, teammate, or a pivot, you will have a steady stare going on behind you and occasionally you will check out the scenery ahead of you.

And now for a break down:

Next practice is all about looking behind you. Set yourself to swizzle and put one hand out in front of your body. You need that hand out front like an antennae feeling for bodies ahead of you. Turn at your hips and shoulders and check out the scene behind you. Don’t just look, study. By the end of a pace line drill you should be able to write the attendance list for tonight’s practice. Don’t be afraid to amuse yourself. I like to play games like, “Who has the most stripes on their socks?” and “Who’s matching me today?” And my favorite, The-“How long do I have to stare at your forehead before you turn around and look behind you?” Game.

Do it so much that you become very comfortable looking behind you all the time. Then as your skills develop, you're developing along with them the added bonus of having that natural tendency to look behind you.

The next step- Get your peripheral on. Don’t fool yourself, looking behind you may have been the first skill you learned but it’s one of the most advanced skills you can cultivate; it’s an art form. You’ll notice, as you get better at using your peripheral that you don’t have to turn your entire body all the time. A slight turn of the head down and to your left can tell you a lot about what’s happening in the pack while still giving you a full view of the chaos you’re currently dealing with. Move your body out to get a better view while turning your head down and to your left. Then, ever so stealthily, cut inside slightly and grab a view around your right side. Stretch your peripheral vision every time you use it and it will get broader and more reliable. And that’s a promise. The best reward for increasing your peripheral vision is that you gain the ability to hit without telegraphing-and there’s nothing like a surprise attack!

The next step, shhhhhhhh, listen. Can you hear that blocker moving to your right? She’s right behind you and just out of your peripheral, with breath like a dinosaur. You have your eyes attached to a jammer who’s coming up the middle. But you know that blocker’s coming around you because you can hear her trying to flank you. If you take your eyes off that jammer for one second she’s going to juke around you and then she’s gone. So stay ahead of that blocker but get on the jammer, with the knowledge that you’ve got a creeper on your outside. Listen for her skates, listen for her breath, listen for a big inhale-AND- jump out of the way because you’re about to get hit. Practice listening by listening. I know, really great advice! But sometimes it’s the easy shit that we forget to practice.

But but butbut, there is so much sound during a jam- coaches, referees, fans, skaters- all shouting! That’s a valid point, but you’re missing the point. At first, those things distract you. At first. But just like you develop your vision and attention, you develop a careful filtering system for hearing what matters. At first, the only thing you need to hear is the referee saying your number, calling lead jammer, or designating where the pack is. Your coach is talking to the jammer and the pivot. You are listening to your pivot and your teammates, and they are shouting so just keep those ears perky and stay close. Then, you filter out the crowd sounds and you’ll start to pick out the really important shit.

The next step, know what matters. I know it seems like chaos in a pack. Focus on a few things at first, and then gradually add more when you can. Focus first on the opposing jammer. Know where she is, how much time she has left in the box, and what her mouth guard looks like. No joke, I use the mouth guard as an example, but you need to know her …intimately. Zone in to her position like a stalker with a record, man. Then you should have a pretty good bead on who’s in the pack and what they are up to. That goes for both teams. If you have a handle on the opposing jammer and your pack, stretch your awareness and find out where your jammer is. Before long you have the whole scene on lock.

I know it seems so easy, but I want to talk about being a great communicator and a great leader and those things start with a solid foundation in awarebearness. Get this lesson because the rest depends on your ability to know what’s happening. I’ll leave you with a pretty picture.

Someday soon you’ll notice that you aren’t missing the jammer as much as you had before. You thought it was just poor blocking skills or you thought she was just too fast for you. But the truth is, you can see her coming 120 feet away now, and she doesn’t stand a chance.

When I was a kid the little league baseball coach told my mom I couldn’t play on his team anymore. I had got three black eyes in just a few weeks. “She doesn’t protect her face, and it’s just dangerous at this point.” Cut to me, looking like a little derpette at 7 years old with two big purple eyes. I told my dad I couldn’t play anymore because, “I suck and everyone is better than me.” He said, “Listen- there will always be someone better than you.” At seven I thought he was a dickwad…but now, I see he’s right.

To my ladies on the B-teams and new skaters, you keep your chin up and have some pride. If you’re on the B-team- you’re A-team must be pretty bad ass. If you’re brand new just know- it gets better. But I get it, sometimes it makes you feel inferior. You forget that this league is YOUR league too. You forget that you have the potential to be the best damn skater in the country. If you will it dude, it is no dream.

It’s hard sometimes to keep it all in perspective. On the real, there is an emphasis on the development of advanced skill havers- sometimes to the detriment of the new recruits. I understand it- skaters with advanced skills are going to get bored working on the basics and who doesn’t want to be THE BEST!? But let me tell you why I bristle when I hear the term “Fresh Meat.”

Her kid is wondering where mom is, she spent all her extra money on new wheels and pads, her dude says he doesn’t approve, her family doesn’t get it, she’s not sure she can even do this, all her friends think she’s bat-shit crazy, she’s brand new and hasn’t got one friend on the league. It’s the first day of school all over again. And on top of that? You call her “Fresh Meat” and tell her to get off the track while the big girls play. Fuck that shit.

Come here darling, my name is Bunnie, I was new once, just like you, so was everyone in here. We all started just like you, don’t be shy, before you know it you’ll have as much skill as anyone on the track so let’s start with some basics. See that girl out there getting 35 in 5? Two years ago she couldn’t cross over. Oh, and that one that just laid out one of the guys? Yeah, last summer she was holding on to the walls. You’re going to be great one day. Don’t worry your pretty little head, just get out there and skate.

I put on some confidence, because I know I’ve got some skill I never had before, but let’s be real- I know my weaknesses. I know where I can improve. My turn stops? Slow. Skate backward? Ehh, ok. And ask me to skate counter-derby direction? My legs are like robots that never got that upgrade. Those things can get better. And like I said before, everyone has something to improve. Don’t let that stress you out- just get on the track and do some work.

I wish all the time that I had a video of everyone’s first practice. Just so you know- everyone sucks at first. Even speed skaters have to learn to juke. Jam skaters have to learn some strategy. Everyone has to learn how to hit. And yes. There will always be someone better than you, but they weren’t always. They got that way the same way you will- practice, practice, and more practice. Hold your head up and know that this is a very hard sport. There is no shame in learning. With a little patience and a lot of determination you are well on your way to derby greatness.

My philosophy is this- I believe that new skaters are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the strength they posses in stride. I see a future in roller derby. Someday, everyone will know a roller girl/boy. And the average career for a derby girl is three and a half seasons. So who’s going to lead us into the next century? Junior Derby, Men’s Derby, New WFTDA apprentice leagues, Flat track, banked track, old school rules, new rules, co-ed teams, pickup games, “noobs” and the fucking “Fresh Meat” … the future is bright and it’s full of derby. So show some love to the ones coming up.

I had a day before the funeral of my fiancé. Reality still hadn't set in, and it was bout day. In fact, it was my first bout against another team. I was mentally unprepared for anything. It was an away bout in some fucked up old high school gym with particle board taped together to make a track. My mind was a maze, nothing made sense anymore. I was still thinking, maybe this is all a dream. I'll go home and there he will be, waiting at the door. I wasn't focused.

My derby sisters asked if I would still play, but I didn't even have to answer. They could see, there was no other place I could go-nowhere to turn but left. My knees shook. I wasn't thinking about the rules, or the game, or the opponent, or the floor; I wasn't thinking at all. I was there to make big hits. And I did. I was terrible. I spent the whole game on the floor and in the box. This is the conversation I wish I could have had with myself before that first bout, and before every bout.

Real gangsta ass bitches don't flex nuts,

cuz real gangsta ass bitches know they got 'em.

That's not an exact quote…but you know how it goes, you try to be intimidating but it's a little transparent. You hype yourself up all day, then inevitably you play like you played in practice. So we can stop with the bush league psyche-out shit. You're not a raging bull, you're a derby player. Working yourself up to be aggressive can actually hurt your performance on bout day if you're not focusing on the important shit first. Take a deep breath and calm the fuck down. You are a warrior- but you're a smart one. Think first, then annihilate.

Be aware-bear. Knowledge is power. Maybe you did research on the other players, maybe you read the rules five times this week, and maybe you talked strategy with the coaches for hours, maybe you got your whole team together and had a conversation about what you can expect from each of your teammates. And maybe you didn't. Either way, take the time between jams to assess the situation.

In the 30 seconds between jams, find out your penalty count. Know who you'll be on the track with, and study the way the current jam is going. Find the weakness of the other team so you can exploit it. Use a failed jam to recalculate what's not working- and what is.

And I know, you have some concerns that you think are really going to matter. But those are just distractions. For example…you think once the jam whistle blows you'll even notice a crowd? I promise, you won't have time to notice them until the final whistle-pinky swear. Also, please quit bitching about the floor. Once the bout starts, you're stuck with the floor and you're stuck with your gear, so man the fuck up. Accept the things you can't change and let that be something that distracts other people, you have work to do. Don't give yourself any excuse to not succeed.

When it's time to take the track run through this check list to really focus your attention.

Where are your buddies? If you're not the pivot, check in with them- what's the plan? Prepare to get close to your friends. You don't necessarily have to line up together, but you should have a path in mind to pack it up before the jammer gets to you.

Check on the opposing blockers. Size them up, and get in a dominant position on the line. Move your body so close that they move. There, now they are reacting to you and not the other way around.

Find your jammer. What are her strengths? Are you worried she'll have trouble in this pack- or is she a loner? Is she a vet or an alternate jammer? Does she take the outside or fight for the inside line?

Then find the opposing jammer and be thorough. What is she wearing? What do her skates look like? What color is the jammer panty? Is she wiley, are you going to need a partner to block her? Is she going to hit her way through? Is she a speed skater or super agile? Then let her know who you're looking at. Wave at her, or point, tell her you're ready for her. Or… is she in the box? That changes things, go back to the top and get on the same page with your team.

You're a driver, you're a winner. Just before the whistle blows, reassure yourself. You have prepared for this moment. You know what to do and you're going to do it. If you go down you'll get up faster, you'll dominate, and you'll stop the jammer. You're team is the best and no one can beat you.

The truth is, bout day is not as scary as you think it's going to be. It seems that way when you don't know what to expect. You should expect nothing short of the most intense practice you have ever had. You should expect that it will all be over before you know it. Expect to be a little nervous, and expect to overcome it. Expect to wait around for hours. Expect that no one will remember your name; they will remember your team and how well you worked together.

Finally, until bout day get yourself to practice. That's where games are won and lost. You have to imagine when you're there that the other team is practicing just as hard as you. So make it hurt. Push yourself harder. And above all else, focus.

WTF! WFTDA is testing out a new rule set where there’s NO MINORS!? …but I thought refs liked minors? Just kitten, but I feel sorry for the refs if the rules are changed. It’s a fierce look you get when you call a major. Not like Tyra Banks fierce, but like…Are-you-sure?-Because-I-could-come-claw-your-eyeballs-out-if-you’re-not!-type of fierce.
We are the pioneers of modern roller derby. We have to let some change happen to move into the future. I can dig it, just hope we don’t get dysentery along the way. Honestly, my only objection is that I might have to take another rules test. But then, I can be petty.

Before I get to the point, I want to take a second to tell all ref crews everywhere- Thank you! For keeping the game clean and fair. For knowing your shit, and calling us on it. And for… you know, insubordination. In penance, for my fouls, I give you;

































This whole issue has me thinking about fouls…well, that and the fact that I came one minor from expulsion in our last bout. So here, for your perusal, is a list of foul trouble, and how to avoid or end it.

Failbows

You’re doing one of two things. Either you lead in with your elbows before a hit, or you push off your victim with your chicken wing after you’ve landed a hit. Either way you have to relearn that, because it’s a habit. When you go in for a hit, take your arms out of the equation by pulling them ahead of your torso. Land hits with your body and your hips, not your elbows. Take a few practices off shoulder checks and just use that ass. You could be compensating for weak lateral movement- so work on it.

Sprawling

Getting called for Tripping or a Low block? Work on your four point falls, and tuck like a turtle. In some cases you can avoid a foul by showing a ref that you’re trying to fall small. And work on your foot work- hop like a bunny or skate outside.

Flailing

Flailing is never good, it happens though. Someone hits you off balance and you instantly act like a starfish. Work on your form and your core strength. If you stand up a lot during practice, stop it. Randomly spend time on one foot-arms at your sides-until people at the office start calling you “Flamingo Girl” behind your back, but you don’t care, you don’t flail.

Being a Dick

Passion. That’s your only excuse, and you didn’t think of it until the third shot of tequila at the after-party but now, you are really sorry for that outburst in the second half, and your only excuse for it is passion. So in the future, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. And I’m serious; if you aren’t a captain or alternate, don’t talk to the ref crew until the bout is over. Also, you should probably get laid more often if you’ve got so much passion lying around.

OVER THE LINE!

This is not ‘Nam, there are rules- and lines. You can get yourself in all sorts of foul trouble if you aren’t aware of your position in relation to the track lines. First, you have to really give up the idea that maybe no one saw you cut the track. If they didn’t this time, they will next time. It may seem like the easy route, but making it a habit is a shortcut straight to the box.

Nextly, you have to come correct, when you re-enter the track from the box, you must really come in behind the pack. If you’re re-entering from being blocked out, be certain that you don’t come in ahead of anyone who was in front of you when you went out…and if you aren’t certain, come in behind the pack. Basically, you never want to improve your position on the track by leaving it.

If you’re getting called for out of play penalties it’s because you never give up! But when a jammer is fifteen feet out and gaining speed, you need to really rethink your line of attack. Where are your friends? Go find them.

Those are a few examples but below is a five step program to help us conquer foul trouble.

Step one: Show some respect.

The referees at your practices are volunteers just like you. And they are practicing, just like you. Plus, they have feelings-just like you, and like unicorns. And you wouldn’t scream at a unicorn would you? So don’t be a douchebag, Douchebag.

Step Two: The refs are ALWAYS right.

And before we move on. You’re going to have to get real fucking comfortable with that. Even if you burn an official review, what the ref saw and called is what will stand. So say it with me. The ref is always right. In reality, your job is to play and their job is to determine if you fouled. So do your job and let them do theirs.

Step Three: Read a fucking book.

Read and re-read the rules. Ask questions, do research. Become interested in the rules and use them to your advantage. This is your sport-learn it inside and out.

Step Four: Know thy fouls.

Get very interested in the fouls you get called for. Know what you do wrong so you can correct it. Ask a ref to help you understand the fouls you get. For a few, it will only take a couple humiliating trips to the penalty box before you repent of your foul and change your ways. For the rest of us it’s practice, practice, practice.

Step Five: Sometimes the refs are wrong.

It’s going to happen, you will be called for something you didn’t do. So accept it, and get to the box. Don’t waste time arguing because sometimes you’re wrong. And the refs are always right.

And now for the moral of this story. In all of history, there has never been and never will be another you. Unless you’re a twin… or cloned… then there is kind of another you but generally speaking, you are the only one, whoever gets to be you. Lucky you! And just like we learned last time that your actions are who you are… so will you be remembered. What I’m getting at is, be remembered for all the great things you do, not for being in the box.

…..omg it was sooooo hard to get through that whole post without making a single BOX joke!

It stings. You’re name isn’t listed on the roster or you didn’t make the team. Although you know it’s not, this feeeels personal.

You check the other names on the list, silently cursing each one. You believed you were good enough to make it, and now disappointment sets in. You’re going to need a minute to digest this. It’s ok, take your time. I know. Cry, pout, scream-Get it out. And when you get done chuggin that haterade, get on the track.

“A man is the sum of his actions, of what he has done, of what he can do, Nothing else.”

Mahatma Gandhi said that, so did Aristotle and I just said it: All very intelligent individuals. So give yourself a moment to be disappointed that you didn’t make a roster, or the team you wanted, or a league. But don't spend all day. Next take an inventory of your practice habits. Take in some feedback. Then get to work, son.

Above my bed I wrote “You = Your Habits” in big black letters with little stars. So when I wake up every morning, I’m reminded to do the things that I want to be. The stars are just for decoration. I’m reminded that an all-day-hate-a-thon makes me a hater. But a skate-athon? Well, that’s what will put your name on lists.

Remember when we talked about being posi like it’s going out of style? Do that. Instead of focusing on the idea that someone didn’t pick you for their team, find the reasoning in it. Is there anyone who can’t improve? Everyone has something they need to work on.

Focus on your speed, agility, strategy, endurance, thoroughness, teamwork, communication, foot work and foul trouble. Try that Pivot panty on. Triple threat yourself. And try to have a positive fucking attitude! Practice. Practice. Practice.

Be so busy practicing that you forget about the lists. And watch- you start to focus on this moment, this scrimmage, this practice, this drill, that jammer-your coaches will notice. They’ll put a little star right next to your name.

I was waiting for a bus for like an hour in the sweaty part of summer. It was around Sixteenth and Penn in Indianapolis and I was wearing a miniskirt with two toned tights and a black teeshirt…and checkered knee high socks…and gray New Balance…with a big bag and a sparkly green helmet. Toootaly blending in. A few guys came up and asked if I was a prostitute, no, cool, thanks for asking. A third guy approached but didn’t ask right away. What’s my name he asked…. “uhhh Buuuuuuuunnie? Yes, Bunnie, that is my name”…shit that makes it sound kind of worse. I looked down at my colorful outfit.

“Well, Buuuuuuuunnie where are your friends?” Then the bus came. And the whole ride I thought about that question. Then I wrote a metal song about it.

(Metal Voice)Fucking Teamwork. That’s what I’m fucking talking about. I’m talking about your fucking friends. You want some friends? Go to practice! They are fucking everywhere! Fucking friends! Fucking everywhere! Everywherrrrrrrr!!!

You have to imagine it with a double bass drum and it kind of speeds up at the end.

Then there’s hand claps, I made up a whole routine. But you know what I mean- no matter how badass another team’s jammer is, it’s a whole lot harder for her to pass two of us than just one. Together we can control her speed and position-and not just the jammer. We can control the whole pack- together.

And the only trick to teamwork is practice time. That’s the main ingredient. Plus you want a fucking friendly disposition. So spend time with your friends. When you spend time together on the track- and off it- you begin to learn each other, trust each other, and anticipate the next moves of one another.

When it’s hard, and it is, just remember you aren’t alone. You have a whole team full of people who are working towards the same goal. It’s easy to lose sight of the important shit when you focus on yourself. When you’re muscles are burning it’s easy to believe you alone are in your pain. Don’t forget about the girl next to you who came even though she has a blister covering the ball of her foot. She still came- to play with you. Derby is a very tough sport. It’s a rare chick (or dude) that will actually do it. So here we are, a bunch of rare chicks/dudes, playing the best sport on earth. Start to let a little of that rare-ness go at practice. Try to get that hive mentality.

You begin to see, this sport isn’t just about you. It’s about the one that held the jammer long enough for you to get to the front and help her out. The one who hit you hard when you first came back, and made you smile. The one that hipped you to that great deal at sock it to me . The one who loaned you her stickiest wheels…even though you’ve got a really bad reputation for losing things. We aren’t just friends between whistles, we are comrades. We are a team. It’s us against them. We fucking rock.

And that’s… fucking team work.

Sometimes, just before I fall asleep, I start to slide off the bed. I feel my skates roll out in front of me as I flip backward into deep dark dreamy sleep. It’s the kind of thing that makes you glad you started skating…again, and again. I took a little sabbatical from all things derby and got in touch with my spirit animal (giraffe). Oh, and started a little helmet painting company with my best girl, Beats. Helmet painting? I mean, that’s what people do when they take a break. They think of ways to smash derby into every crevice of their lives…right? Alright, I fail at vacation. It’s been a long time since I wrote to all my adoring fans. Thank you both for your patience.

So where were we? Having trouble switching from offense to defense? Let’s start with the basic definitions.

DEFENSE: You are called a BLOCKER for a reason! SO BLOCK THAT JAMMER! Wall up with your teammates, dominate her out of bounds, slow her down with a plow stop, and trap her in the pack.

When? ALWAYS. The opposing jammer should ALWAYS be on your mind. If she’s on the track you’re blocking her. If she’s in the penalty box, you’re keeping an eye peeled for her reentry. Bottom line is, you are always, always, ALWAYS looking for their jammer. Consider her your personal responsibility.

Offense: Get your girl out of the pack. Block the blocker(s) on her. Break up walls. Take out the biggest threats. Whip and push your jammer though the pack and do it FAST! You are Link and she is Princess Zelda. Go save the fucking day.

When? When you don’t have an opposing jammer to block. Their jammer goes to the box- immediately switch to offense. Their jammer breaks free from the pack- immediately switch to offense. Immediately! And even when you’re helping your jammer- you ARE thinking about that opposing jammer. Because you are ALWAYS responsible for the opposing jammer.

The reason we have to focus so much on defense is that defense is the best offense in town. The longer you keep the opposing jammer in the pack, the more likely your jammer is to get lead. And statistically speaking the more times your jammer gets lead, the more likely you are to win. That’s because getting lead jammer means controlling the jam, it means controlling the point spread, and therefore it means winning the bout more often. So no matter what I’m about to say; your number one priority is ALWAYS to block the opposing jammer. Still a little confused?

Introducing: The Five Second Rule

The rule is, when the opposing jammer leaves the pack: You have five seconds to get your jammer through the pack.

Seems simple huh? But five seconds is more like an instant when you’re in a jam. So, let’s break it down.

You have been relentless, but something happened and the opposing jammer broke free from the pack. From that second, that “OH-SHIT-SHE-GOT-AWAY!”-moment, that’s when you start counting.

Five…Four…Three…Two…One…and back to BLOCKING THAT JAMMER!

Five. Find your Jammer

Four. Who is holding her hostage?

Three. KEEEEL THEM!

Two. KEEEEL THEM MOOORE!

One. FORGET THEM! Where is the opposing jammer?

Still confused? Just remember, as a blocker you have only two options- either hurt their jammer, or help your jammer. The most important point here is that you should be doing WORK 100% of the time.

If you’re still uncomfortable in a pack, stick to defense. If you’re getting more comfortable try using the five second rule to switch back and forth from defense to offense. Before you know it you’re a work horse and that’s the best kind of horse to be.

I had this dream where the world was about to end and this huge spaceship was filling up the horizon and it was the future so you can imagine all the buildings were sleek and tall. Everyone was about to die and then I saw this tiny little fish. Only it wasn't a fish since it was swimming in the sky, not water...anyway it was swimming and somehow I knew- This thing is the messenger. And somehow- I guess since it was my dream- I got to be all in charge of everything. The little fishy alien squished it's way right up to me and blurted out that the big thing in the sky about to kill everyone was it's mom. I hysterically screamed- "TELL HER TO STOP!!!" I pointed and commanded the thing to high-tail it back to the ship and make waves! It pouted and looked at the sky then back to me and shrugged saying, "No, I can't do that... I'm too small. " I was furious at the stupid alien fish thingy. How, I struggled to imagine, could you see the end of the world approaching and not even try to stop it?! I woke up still shaking my head. It bothered me all day. I thought of all the ways I should have killed the little bastard. I shook my head weeks later- even today- wondering what the hell that was supposed to mean.

Well that's interesting.

The first "specialist" I saw about my knee was pretty wimpy. The doctor and two of her interns crowded around my knees, frowning, pushing and pulling and talking code for "I don't know." I left with no idea what was wrong with me and a list of excersizes I was sure were actually meant to piss me off. They were inner leg lifts and a few stretches. How the fuck am I ever going to play roller derby again with this sorry excuse for rehab?? I was pissed. Ice. Elevate. Be pissed. Ice. Elevate... But I'm persistant.

I went to a fancy knee center- with a real gym inside it. They specialize in knees AND sports injuries. AND they took a bunch of x-rays. It was fancy. I waited in a little room on a little bed covered with a thin sheet of paper that stuck to my now atrophied thighs. I was trying to guess at what he might tell me. I tried to prepare myself not to burst into tears if he said my knees had taken all they could handle and derby was no longer an option. Is this the end? My shoulders sagged and I must have looked pathetic when he burst through the door.

A few minutes later, after my legs had been suffeciently man handled and he'd shared a few quizical looks with his accompanying therapist and a few gutteral grunts, the doctor spoke. And his first question wasn't about what I couldn't do. He wanted to know what I'd been doing to strengthen the muscles around my knee.

I was surprised. The other doctors had said to ice and elevate, do a few lame stretches (while watching House) but otherwise no "pushing it" was ordered. I told him I'd been biking to work a few days a week 13.5 miles each way. He shrugged. "Is that flat land then? Or are you really working hard?"he asked suspiciously. I smiled. I already liked him.

I took the stairs down to the parking lot sporting a seriously goofy grin. I sent my derby wife an all caps text with about ten exclamation points-for safe measure. And as I setteled in to my daily commute I started thinking of which gym I'd be going to, what machines to use, what my goals would be, and then... why hadn't I been doing these things months ago?! What had changed?

It's so wild that such a small thing- like a few good words from a doctor- can change everything. Well, that's fucking interesting...man.

You can change everything by changing your mind. If you believe it, it's already the truth. So go ahead and try it out. Next time you start to feel like you should just coast off to the side and maybe sit down for a second, maybe take a breather... check this Handy Index of Excuses and follow the prescription.

I'm Tired
Play smarter. Take big deep breaths. And stop whining- Everyone is tired! This is Roller derby!

I Need Water
Yeah. And are you going to die of thirst before this drill is over? Think about kids in Haiti. Maybe they're thirsty too. But do they stop in the middle of drills to go get water?

I'm gonna PUKE!
Cool man. Remember to hydrate and get right back in, we need a jammer.

I need to stretch.
Ok. In fact, why don't we all just stretch. And we'll take off our skates and get mats. We can put on Moby and we'll call it Yoga. ...no, but really though. Stretch what you need to stretch. But do it with the quickness, we're down a man.

I'm having an off day.
I'm having an "off" life. That's the reason I play derby. This is your time off from everything else. So whatever's on your mind, get over it and get in the game.

I've got a hang-over.
Such is the life of a rollergirl. Roller girls all over the world got drunk last night. There, I said it. Now you can use that thought as a tiny consolment. and Hydrate.

I have a headache/ cold sore/ runny nose/ stomach virus/ diarrhea...yuk./ halitosis/ backache/ sore throat/etc.
So, are you in or out? Because if you're in, you're going to have to let that all fade into the nether regions of your gigantic brain. You can do anything you want. Even with diarrhea. and Hydrate.

I have the flu.
Fucking go home! NOW! Before you get us all sick! You fucking lunatic. ...but I dig the commitment, dude. Next time, call in.

My endurance sucks.
Wonder why. Here's a news flash- building your endurance actually! (Literally!) physcially! HURTS! But don't worry, it won't hurt as bad next time.

I'm out of shape. I'm too big. I'm too weak. I'm too slow. I'm too small....I'll never make a roster.
Not with that attitude. Decide not to give in to excuses. You should know by now there are no good ones. You either do, or you don't. So put your mouthguard in, and go knock someone down!

Check it out. I think you should act like you're surfing, little hula girl, and skate across that apex of the curve like it's a giant wave. Wanna try?

First take all the scaredy cat- "i'm gonna fall down"- shit and tuck that in your hip. That's where your gravity is so it's your safe place and you need to act like a careful kitty and keep your balance. So, you need to get into position. Hmmm...Maybe this is one of those times when you take off your skates. (It should be a rare time.) Get on the floor in your stocking feet. And then, get in your derby form.


MEMO
Re: DERBY FORM
------------------------------------------
To Whom It May Concern.
Derby Form shall consist of the following:
+ A nice straight back
+An erect constitution. Shoulders back. No slouching.
+Feet shall be placed a shoulder width apart with weight evenly distributed.
+ Knees bent at a 45 degree angle such that the hands, when outstreched shall meet squarely with the knees.
+One should give the appearance of a person not yet sat in a chair and thereby ready to pounce in any direction at any given moment.
+ When in derby form one shall be aware of all that surrounds her/him. A serene knowing look should gaze out to meet any oposition on the track.
-----------------------------------------------------

Anyhow, it's an old memo. Maybe you didn't get it.

Now that you're in form, you need to think of yourself on the apex of a turn. Your left foot is riding the inside line. Reach your left hand down and touch a point just left of your left foot. Bend your left knee deep and tuck your butt towards your heel while you're stretching out the right knee a bit. Pretend that point you're touching is the apex and look out towards the opposite side of the pretend track. Let your shoulders follow your eyes. The wind in your hair... And now your coming back, you're in a chair, at work, wasting company time reading derby blogs....But you were there... you know what it feels like to surf. To glide around a corner and make the floor push away, boomeranging you forward and onto the straight away. Or at least you can imagine.
I think the real secret is in your muscle. If you can harness your muscles and push inside on a turn, while pushing with your legs for speed, you can balance the pull of centrifical force pulling your center out to the suicide seats. It takes practice and muscle...and balls...and faith in physics.
It may sound like it's a lot to go into for just what your position should be at the apex of a turn. But think about all the chaos that goes into one turn. It's a blender. If you can hold your shit on a turn you can do all kinds of fun shit. You can learn to move that kinetic energy into the opposing jammer. You know, those big perfect hits to the out side that send girls sailing. Cool, man.
And think about all those fools who will try to hit you on the turns.. If you have your bearings and you're steady spaghetti you can always Roll out. Rolling out is newer.. it wasn't a memo it was a tweet.

Tweet::@::Roll Out- Get low and in front of a hit. Bend those knees and get super wide and steady. Brace yourelf and lean forward. Roll your shoulders down and towards the inside of the track. Stick your little neck out and push your hips in front of that blocker before she lands the big hit and puts your lights out. And keep skating. Keep skating.

Rolling out of a big hit is one of those useful tools you want to keep handy. You'll save yourself a lot of floor spilling if you can just get low and get out of the hit.


Anyhow, try some surfing and tell me how it goes. Also, dudes, send me some inspiring pictures of you and your league.

Let's talk about something more serious than roller derby. I know!! Is there anything more serious than derby? There's nothing more life-giving than excitement. The thrill of progress and the act of trying give meaning to a sometimes more challenging reality. Life often gets in the way of derby dreams but it also inspires those dreams to exist. I know.

I'll tell you something sad to tell you something beautiful. Last year about this time I woke up in a nightmare. I had to say goodbye way too soon to someone too special to be gone. It was and is a defining moment in my life. I remember crouching on the floor in a mess that morning wondering, “Where do I go from here?” It's only now that I can tell you what miracle saved me from myself in those dark days. The first responders asked "Is there someone you can call?" and there wasn't anyone I could think of but my derby sisters. When I am weak, they are strong. They came and they comforted, and they stayed and they've never been more than one phone call away.

In the next months I stayed in bed. I avoided strangers that love saying, "Cheer up!" and "Smile!" ... dumb strangers. But I was safe at practice. No one was making me try to feel better. No one made me regurgitate the story. And the practices let me forget about the empty house for a few hours. And I was making real progress. I felt that feeling you get... the feeling like you're really alive.

There were times between practices and bouts that I wallowed. I admit, there were some very dark moments, but then there was derby too. It was the singular reason to go on, to get out of bed and live again. When I lost all momentum and felt I couldn't bare one more day I only had to ask myself 'How could I let my team down?' Hell, I rode in rollerstank perfumed cars all summer, shoulder to shoulder with these women. So, how could I cry about being alone?

I’m not saying derby saved my soul, I’m definitely damned to hell... probably for all of infinity or something. All i’m saying is derby saved my life. More than once, and it will again. And that, my dearest friends, is the very beautiful part. I (heart) Roller Derby! And I love my team and my teammates.

But enough about me, don’t you want to know the lesson for today ??
Time is like a blocker- sometimes it gets in the way. That's when you have to knock it on it’s ass and take its point. There will always be obstacles in your way, but you will prevail if you only perservere. Realize you are stronger now than you've ever been and you're only getting stronger as long as you hang in there, kitty.

The best compliment I probably will ever get came from my aunt LaDonna. She said she wished she had been more like me in her life and taken more chances. She said, “You really have some balls, girl.” Damn straight.

Derby is a natural magnet for women with a little venom in their blood. Women with something to prove, a deep need to be challenged and endure. Look around you at a practice, it’s full of scrappy survivors, ready to play. Take a look into the steel eyes of your comrades during battle and you find a glimpse of yourself too.

But since the age of zero we’ve been coddled and dressed in pink, told to be quiet and for christsake be nice. And here we are on the other side of womanhood trying desperately to awaken the five year-olds we once were, playing in the dirt, beating up boys, and acting a damn fool. We got tired of playing nice, so we started playing roller derby.

Now I say that to say this right herr: When you lace your skates and you roll across that floor you must become that warrior that sleeps inside you. You must shake off the decades of doubt and reach deep into the core of your spleen where you will find one giant pair of balls that say, “Oh fuck yeah I can.” I’m telling you, they actually say that. And the reason you truly truly must is this: There is no room for self doubt in derby. It is a mentally and physically exhausting battle and you MUST stay positive to be prepared for the challenge.

You did it. You already decided to play. There are twenty girls at home watching House for each and every one of us at practice. So take a second to pat yourself on the back and realize you are the fucking shit. You rock.

My advice today is this: ban any and all negative thoughts from your head. Saying, “I can’t” is blasphemy. Discouragement is viral so buck up!

Being injured sucks asshole. There’s no pretty way to put it. If I were in a death metal band I would write songs about how deep the hate river flows inside me for bio-freezed knees that keep me out of play. Yep, sure would. And it’d be big in Sweden.

This gimp-ness has got to end! I know a few ways to make sure I’m on skates for a while. I’ll give myself the advice today. I’ll write it out in a nice little bloggity about staying playing and we’ll both read it and say things like, “Hm, sounds like a plan, stan.”

I’m going to start off by doing some inner leg exercises! My knee issues stem from the fact that I have some super strong muscles that aren’t exactly in proportion to the weaker inside muscles. And with hips like “woah” the angle from hip to knee makes it easy for my knee caps to be pulled off to one side. Ouchers! So inner knee exercises it is!

Next up is an Equipment check! It sucks to stand on the sidelines but if your equipment is broke there is just no need to chance the damn thing. I found this out last practice. I should have realized it was a bad idear to glue my skates back together after the boot started to rip from the plate but no, I have a thick skull and thought it would be just fine and dandy. The truth is any little thing can make you skate funny and that leads to more injuries. Also, making sure you have the dopest, thickest pads is KEY to knee heaven.

Then I’m going to get on the floor and work out what doesn’t hurt until I’m all better. Part one of getting better is realizing you aren’t some like super hero. And part two is taking care of your body like a normal person would. I’m not saying we’re normal… we’re rollerderby-uns, and that makes us special but not immune to the physical errors we’d all like to ignore. While I’m working on other things I’ll be throwing myself a posi-party. That’s as in posi-tive. I’ll be thinking of sunshine and rainbows and knocking bitches down. All the things that make bunnies smile. …oh and carrots.

So are ya with me? Let’s make the most of being pissed off that we’re injured. Let's get better and stay better and play better! Yay Better!